Hello Again

I’ve been meaning to relaunch this blog for a good six months now. In fact, most of this post was written back then, but… I don’t know… a mix of life getting in the way and uncertainty about taking this plunge stopped me. Now it’s a New Year, and I’m feeling like I’m in a good place to give this another shot (plus my DBT homework was to do something pleasant everyday and I said I’d write and eat nice food so here I am sticking to my commitments).

If you’re reading this you probably already know a little about me, but for anyone that doesn’t allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Aysh, a 24 (almost 25!) year old body piercer living with mental illness.

About My BPD

I’ve struggled with my mental health for the majority of my life, but over time it’s just gotten worse making it harder and harder to cope with as time goes on. The main obstacle for me at this point in my life is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but I have also experienced a wide range types of other types of mental illnesses that are often co-morbid with BPD (such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders etc).

I recognise that as a borderline, I tend to sit on the ‘high functioning’ end of the spectrum the majority of the time. I can work and function the majority of the time when it’s necessary, but sometimes I just can’t keep up the charade (even if I give it a good go).

Bad days happen on a spectrum, even if I don’t realise it when they’re happening. On a really bad day, I may just lay in bed and spend its entirety engulfed in my duvet unable to contemplate my own existence and using any means necessary to escape it.

Some bad days are better, but still not good and these are the types of days I experience most in my life. They’re the kind of days where I can do what needs to be done, keep my business running and all that jazz but that’s about it. It’s maintenance and no more.

I have good days too, but as someone who struggles to regulate their emotions they can also be a problem. Unregulated happiness will put you on top of the world and we all know what goes up must come down. And I do. The happiness highs are so intense that when something does go wrong I come crashing down, and sometimes that’s even worse than just having a bad day from the get go.

I’ve been receiving treatment in the form of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) for about 6 months now and I (and those around me) have seen a big change, but there’s still a long way to go. I’ve learnt a lot about how to manage my BPD, but the tricky part is applying that knowledge when your brain is telling you to do the exact opposite.

I do have one thing in particular that keeps me going, but it doesn’t always make my life easier. That thing is my business: Hole Hearted LDN.

About My Business

Living with mental illness of any kind is a challenge in itself, but trying to balance something as intense as BPD with building a business is more stress than anyone needs.

My problem generally isn’t the necessary or the urgent, it’s the non-time-sensitive optional tasks. It’s the things I should do, but I can stay afloat without doing. For me it’s all about planning, staying organised and not letting myself get too overwhelmed to do these tasks when I am up for it and then minimising the effect of my lack of productivity when I’m not.

Running a business isn’t like working a job. There’s no one to sit and tell you what you need to do each day. You have to figure that out for yourself and motivate yourself to do it (and stay focused while you’re getting it done).

I find it’s really easy to get overwhelmed and just do what I need to do to maintain what business I do have. Growth often requires new and scary tasks that are all too easy to put off, and while I feel I am well versed in many of the various things I need to do to grow my business I definitely need to fine-tune my strategy for getting those things done.

(I will say though I’ve been trying out a new strategy for 2020 and so far it’s working rather well so I’ll be sure to share it in a future post if it continues.)

About My Blog

When I first realised how much of an obstacle having BPD could be in business I tried searching online trying to find other borderlines in business who faced the same issues, but I couldn’t. In fact, most things I read indicated it was a recipe for disaster.

I refuse to be put off or demotivated by this because I don’t think that’s the case for me (despite how much I’ve been told that I’m not cut out for this life). In some ways being your own boss is super convenient when you have mental illnesses. You can make it work and I’m determined to do so.

So essentially I’m going to sit here rambling on about mental illness, business and my attempts at balancing the two in some kind of chaotic harmony… and if it helps you to read it, to simply just relate, then be my guest.

I expect that at first this blog will focus heavily on my mental health (since that’s my biggest struggle right now), and as I start to be able to function more effectively the focus will lean more towards business.

I’d love to be in a position in the future to offer tips and advice to other people in my position, but right now I’m just figuring things out for myself and inviting you to watch.

Whether you relate, whether you’re reassured or you just want to keep up to date with my progress, subscribe below to receive email updates when I post.

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